These three posts are from the same day, with a few hours between each one. Continue reading All aboard the Exhaustion Train
Continue reading “Nice to meet you, I had a cheese toasty on June 2nd 1995.” – BPD & Boundaries
I know someone who slipped into a deep depression after going to university. It was so severe that even now, several years on, they still relapse regularly.
People who knew this person would often talk to me as if the depression were as simple as getting over an upset stomach.
“How are they doing? Still not feeling better? It’s been months!” Continue reading When People Assume that Functioning = Cured
I understand this doesn’t sound particularly helpful. And there are hundreds of ways to be mindful… So here’s an exercise I’ve just done.
I was practicing ‘observational’ mindfulness. First I’ll give an overview of the general idea of observational mindfulness
. Notice your bodily sensations (coming through your eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue)
. Pay attention on purpose, to the present moment.
. Control your attention, but not to what you see. Push away nothing. Cling to nothing.
. Practice wordless watching: Watch thoughts come into your mind and let them slip right by like clouds in the sky. Notice each feeling, rising and falling, like waves in the ocean.
. Observe both inside and outside yourself
I went out into the garden and stood on the back step. I noticed the weight of myself on each foot, on each leg, not commenting on anything, just noticing, feeling the weight, I bounced up and down a couple of times, noticing the new sensation. It made me connect with the ground. I was aware of standing there. I was present. I was aware of my connection with the world.
I sat down and closed my eyes. Noticing the weight of myself on the step. The sound of the wind, the feel of it on my face. Noticed the cool touch of the breeze on my exposed skin. Heard the sound of my dog tapping gently around me, his paws and claws on the pavement. I listened. I listened to the texture and shape of the sounds; the wide swooping of the wind, the silence between one gust and the next. The consistency of my dogs paws clicking, the lightness and the easiness. I was aware of the sun coming out from behind a cloud. The glow of red on my closed eyelids. The warmth of the sun on my face.
I was aware that I was there, and connected and listening and hearing and sensing. It makes you feel alive. It makes you feel present. I breathed in a few times, feeling the cool air rolling throughout my lungs, the faint smell of grass, the smell of the wind and the smell of my dog.
I opened my eyes and was aware of all of my senses, the cool pavement under my seat, the weight of myself and my place in the world. The colours, shapes, contours, textures, sensing the hardness or softness of something just by looking at it. Seeing the details in the cracks in the pavement, each individual hair that breezed off of my dog and watching it slowly disappear on the wind.
The present is a place we visit so few times in our lives. I need to make a conscious effort to be a regular there. For now at least, I know that I am alive. A comforting notion when you so often feel nothing.
Continue reading Mind full, or Mindful? A Crash Course in Mindfulness
Luckily, I am destroying this automatic response and turning it into compassionate thinking. I am able to catch myself and think, “Hang on, I don’t know what the other person is going through or how it affects them.”
People, especially those with hidden disorders such as mental health issues and disabilities, have already got enough going on without having to deal with judgemental outsiders.
We need to start integrating this compassion into our lives, and develop an understanding that other people may struggle with something you find incredibly easy.
I recently had a conversation where a friend was concerned about another friend’s depression, but couldn’t understand why they were spending so much time cooped up in their room.
They said, “Why don’t they just get out of bed and do something to take their mind off of it?” Whilst the intent to help is there, it remains that because of their depression, they just simply couldn’t.
It will be hard at first, but it is beneficial to put yourself in someone else’s boots or stop to consider that you are two completely different people and therefore will have two completely different abilities.
It’s a win-win situation; because you can also turn that compassion inward and practice self-compassion too. Once you start recognising that you can be more thoughtful and sensitive to other’s issues, then you will begin to wonder why you don’t treat yourself with the same kindness.
It’s not a contest to see who is the most ‘damaged’ or ‘broken’, there is no joke in off-handedly declaring ‘crippling anxiety and depression’. Nobody who has a mental health condition wants to have a mental health condition.
There is no beauty in anorexia, no silver lining to depression, and no amount of scattered roses, kisses or black and white photographs of cigarettes is going to make self-harming beautifully tragic.
If you are diagnosed by a qualified mental health professional then you will understand how damaging it is for those who self-diagnose to trivialise debilitating or chronic symptoms and turn them into a pity party for likes.
The way young people view mental health has become horribly distorted, people are now viewing mental health conditions as something to aspire to, glorifying self-harm or suicide and other damaging ideas.
In a preliminary google search I came across such things as:
. A gun with flowers placed in the barrel
. A pot of razor blades with the caption ‘This is a different kind of art’
. A makeup kit with the inclusion of razor blades.
. A pill bottle with the pills replaced with pearl beads
. A noose threaded with flowers
. A quote “I’m jealous of people with enough self-control to be anorexic”
. A quote “I think suicidal people are just angels that want to go home”
. Self-harm scars and cigarettes with the caption “beautiful”
If you are vulnerable and diagnosed with a mental health condition, coming across such blogs or images online is especially dangerous. It may lead you to believe that they are true, or reinforce false beliefs you already held.
After seeing these images or posts online you may begin to believe that that is the only option or a solution to your problems; which is why we need to fight this new battle for mental health, because while there are still people who romanticise mental illness, there will be scared and vulnerable people that will believe them.
My chest is burning as I research into blogs that promote mental illness as a desirable trait; it is extremely upsetting to know that there are people out there that will see the same things and believe them.
Whilst there are those that feel they can only communicate their distress through these types of posts online, there needs to be a line drawn between self-expression and dangerous or influencing posting.
We need to be careful with our personal views when expressing them through social media, for example: we need to respect that there are those who may take action from reading an influencing post about suicidal ideation.
It is important to ensure that you open up a channel to talk about your mental health condition, without promoting dangerous ideas, and with other’s emotional state in mind. I have a personal blog where I write all of my deepest, darkest, and potentially triggering or upsetting thoughts – but I have made it a private blog that no one else can access.
On all posts on this blog that may contain anything potentially triggering I include a trigger warning and provide links to information and resources for those who may be considering suicide or self-injury whilst reading my blog.
I appreciate that everyone needs an outlet for their emotional struggles, and as an artist myself I fully understand the desire and need to create emotionally charged artwork based on my experiences with a mental health condition.
However I also understand that I must be careful to inform my work on a deeper level with information that is thoroughly researched and to provide resources for those who may resonate with my work.
I learnt my lesson the hard way. After one suicide attempt I produced a zine (self-published magazine) that detailed in harrowingly intricate detail exactly how I carried out my attempt. The project was for my own personal gain; I wanted to come to terms with the experience and to work through my feelings using my art.
However, many months after reading my zine, someone close to me also attempted suicide using the same method that I had described in the zine. It was heart-wrenching knowing that I had potentially caused it through what was supposed to help me. I am now much more careful about the information I share with regards to my own mental health condition, and always include help and support resources when discussing mental health.
It is extremely important that we change the light in which we view mental health. We must change the way we talk about mental health and educate young people properly with the correct information.
We must strive to promote emotional first-aid, and self-care, and provide support and help for those who are struggling.
Essentially, object constancy is being able to recognise or remember that people and objects still exist despite not being in your field of vision.
In terms of Borderline Personality Disorder this means that people with a lack or deficiency of object constancy fail to remember that people are consistent, trustworthy and reliable.
When infants are very young they will often experience separation anxiety if a parent leaves even if for a few seconds. They will eventually learn that when their parents leave, they still ‘exist’ and can return.
As personality disorders are believed to be rooted partially in issues or trauma during the developmental stage of life (though not for everyone), people diagnosed with a personality disorder may exhibit an inability to understand that people remain constant when not with them.
This leads to relationship and interpersonal issues when growing up, and is often recognised as the root of Fear of Abandonment, Selective Amnesia, False Accusations and Dissociative Memories in those with BPD.
It may show itself in ways such as:
. Calling or texting repeatedly when partner is away
. Assuming a partner is having an affair if they are a little late home
. Believing that they are abandoned when left alone
. Accusing their child of drinking/doing drugs if they are late home from school
. Needing constant reassurance that they are loved when left alone
. A partner does not have time to text or call so they believe that they are hated by them
. Exhibiting self-injurious behaviour out of fear of abandonment
. A dissociative ‘fugue’
. Forgetting all of the ‘good’ and focusing entirely on ‘bad’ points in an argument
However, learning to recognise how your loved one’s feelings are being communicated through their behaviour will help to understand the inner turmoil they are experiencing.
See this previous post ‘How Can I Help?’ for further information.
THE BPD INFORMER 