All aboard the Exhaustion Train

If you are wondering about the extreme shifts in moods with BPD then please read on, here’s an excerpt from my personal blog that documents the severity of this mood change and the ‘all or nothing’ thinking style.

These three posts are from the same day, with a few hours between each one.

24th Nov 2016

‘Get me a hypnotist or something, I’ve barely slept in the last few weeks… I’m beyond exhausted – stressing bad and snapping at everyone. I don’t eat anymore. I’m just not hungry for anything. Someone give me some pills and let me sleep and eat again… Christ. I’m so tired.’

‘I am taken aback. Honestly, by all the stars in the sky I cannot believe that I feel this way. I don’t know if it is a simple momentary lapse in my usual sullen demeanour. I don’t know if this is an intense moment of delusion. I don’t care. I feel good. I feel really good. I feel insanely good. I’m going to sort my life out. I’m going to do it. I am the greatest. I am going to do it. I am going to sort everything out. Everything is going to be okay after all. I must monopolise on this moment. I must feel it in every sense of the word. I am free. I AM FREE!

I feel euphoric, I feel giddy, I feel wonderful. I feel no weight on my shoulders. I want to talk to everyone I ever cared about, everyone I have ever met, I want to tell them how much I love them and care about them. I want to tell them all just how much I appreciate them. How much they have impacted my life. I don’t care about any problems. I have no problems. I am FREE. I am smiling. Smiling on my own. Smiling for no reason. I am breathing I am alive I am charged. I can feel the current inside me. I can feel the warmth and good. I can feel the good inside me, coursing around my veins.’

‘There is nothing again. This is unfair. Let me have my moment. Let it last. Everyone must hate me. Everyone thinks I’m stupid for trying to start again after failing so many times. Why do I bother? No one likes me. Everyone is too busy to talk to me or notice me. No one cares. Everything is dark again. I just want to crawl into bed and not move. I’m gross. I’m disgusting. I’m worthless.’

 

Exhausting, right?

Add to the mix some chronic emptiness, a dash of anger, confusion, and an overwhelming sense of dread and you’ve got yourself a big ol’ BPD cocktail.

It is worth remembering that everyone’s experience of BPD is going to be different, and with you needing  to meet at least 5 out of 9 of the diagnostic criteria, then there are infinite experiences for each person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Nevertheless, BPD is a constant onslaught of instability in all areas of life, which makes for a very draining daily life. In theory, learning coping skills and how to manage our emotions will help to slow down the Exhaustion Train, and help us to alight sometimes.

If you are struggling with intense or confusing thoughts then please see this page for details on how to get help.

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