You share your troubles in a peer support group. You meet up with a friend and talk about how you’ve been feeling. You call a support line and get out all the black, pervasive thoughts.
Going by the old saying, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’, your problems should be somewhere on the 0 point whatever side of things now.
But they’re not. They’re still there. You’re still alone with these thoughts, these feelings or these destructive urges. Continue reading Mental Health’s Bakery Isolation Paradox
Who are you really? Are you your namesake? Your father’s son? Whoever you want to be?
Whoever you are, you know you’re you. Unless you don’t. Unless, like me, you have a diagnosis that limits and pervades your ability to form a stable self-image.
You may be a chameleon, mimicking the thoughts and behaviours of those around you. You may be certain of your identity one day, resolute and determined on a set career path or lifestyle – only to find the next moment you’re hopelessly lost, disconnected, desperately unsure of who you are and what you want. Continue reading Whose Life Is It Anyway?
Am I safe? Sometimes. Sometimes I am safe and can go about day to day life without anything bad happening. Am I able to hold down a job? Sometimes. Sometimes I can do it; the interviews, the conversing with colleagues, the functioning in the workplace.
Can I get out of bed? Sometimes. Sometimes I can force myself out of bed and into the world around me.
But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I am a danger to myself or others. Sometimes I can’t work because I’m too consumed with thoughts about ending my life in the middle of a shift. Sometimes I can’t even begin to imagine getting out of bed and functioning. Continue reading Just the right amount of mental illness
A bit of a different type of post tonight, I’m afraid.
People like the idea of me in theory, but not in practice.
Continue reading In theory and practice + POEM: applerot
You can’t plan for the future. You can’t even begin to dream or aspire for a solid, stable month ahead. You tremble at the thought of agreeing to an event weeks in advance. You scuttle up the walls and form a protective chrysalis to encase yourself when someone asks you to hang out at the weekend. (Okay, maybe not that last one)
Continue reading The Next Right Thing is…
If you are wondering about the extreme shifts in moods with BPD then please read on, here’s an excerpt from my personal blog that documents the severity of this mood change and the ‘all or nothing’ thinking style.
These three posts are from the same day, with a few hours between each one. Continue reading All aboard the Exhaustion Train
When it comes to endings I always seem to struggle. Whether it’s finishing a blog post, the final stages of a project brief, going home after a night out, or the end of a counselling session, I can never seem to let go.
This leads to sloppy, rushed conclusions, or an inability to cope with the end of something good. Continue reading When Things Inevitably End
Instant gratification. We all know it. We all crave it.
In this age of modern technology our tolerance for waiting for stuff to happen is pretty much off the low end of the scale. Wait more than 5 seconds for a page to load?! Unheard of! Got a burning question that you just know will be on your mind for many slumberless nights? Google is your best, instant friend. Someone didn’t reply to your text in an instantaneous fashion? What the hell, man?! I know you’re always on your phone!
Continue reading BPD & Impulsivity
When we first met she wanted to know everything.
I loved the way she asked me questions all the time.
When we first got together she loved how interesting my mind was,
she was fascinated that I heard and saw things others didn’t.
When we first got together I started to trust again.
When we first got together, I told her how I didn’t feel scared or vulnerable with her.
I felt so safe. Continue reading Safe
Over dramatic? Guilt Trip? Over Emotional? Exaggeration? Just an outright lie?
I can see why you’d think so, heck, even I think so sometimes too.
However for those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be very much a tangible reality. Perhaps not a literal reality, but a very palpable and terrifying reality nonetheless.
Continue reading Please Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Die