CHALLENGE DAYTHREEFOURFIVE – 11.12.13/17

Oops, okay, wow. I already let this one get away from me. I’ve just been so heckin’ exhausted these last few days.

On Tuesday I was volunteering at the store. I was very much all over the place, one minute totally happy and feeling super good, and the next it was just gone and I was empty. Sleep was minimal. I did however manage to get some work done for the store, which I felt good about (for a few minutes at least).

On Wednesday I was again having a super good day (I still haven’t managed to wake up on time yet though…) But once more it didn’t last. I’m very good at hiding these mood changes from family though, forcing myself to carry on as if nothing has changed but in reality I’m screaming inside. I feel so fake. When I was with my ex I finally felt like I could be myself and not have to put on any front, but I was too much when I wasn’t ‘contained’ so I have to hide for fear of that happening again.

I wanted to s/h that night, I’m not even really sure why, I just felt like I needed it. I ended up drawing on my arms with a sharp pen instead. It worked I guess.

I’m scared of overthinking things. I want this to be good so badly. I want to finally do something. I want to feel good. I just feel like I’m pretending though. Like I’m not really doing well, I’m just masquerading.

Today was a mixed bag. (Is it ever not?!) I struggled to wake up and was meant to get some work done in the morning (I’ve added yet more things to my workload, pile on the sabotage…) but I didn’t manage to. I feel super busy and rushed and overwhelmed, and yet I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything.

I attended the Personality Disorder Support Group with my sister, and that seemed to help to pump me up and feel motivated again. I’m just petrified of how long it will last.

Ho-Hey.

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