I’m already behind; I was scheduled to start at 8am today, it’s now twenty minutes past and I’m still lying in bed. I’m trying to fool myself into believing that writing out the challenge introduction post counts as working on this project.
I can do this. I just need a coffee first… And a cigarette.. I will get up. Right now. My heart rate is increasing just thinking about it. I am feeling incredibly anxious. But I am going to do a breathing exercise. It’s happening. Stop writing; stop avoiding. Just DO. Trust yourself to just DO.
I got up. I tried not to think. I went downstairs, the house was quiet but my head was way too loud. I felt nauseous and uneasy, so I had to force myself to eat.
I finished working for the four hours scheduled this morning; attempted to utilise the ‘pomodoro’ technique, and ultimately came up with some ideas and a couple of pages of idea generation.
I struggled a lot, trying to get myself to focus on the work instead of easy stuff I can do in my sleep (like personal branding) I had an insanely joyful 17 minutes where I was in the zone and feeling super good, but I had to stop so I could get ready for the zine workshop I’m attending later today.
I made it to the venue, and actually (!) had a pretty amazing time! According to my moodtracker I was on record highs this afternoon. I made it to the town, stopped for a half at a tavern where a live jazz band was playing, did some sketching and tried to get in the zone (I think it helped that I’d been working that morning – sorta already ‘warmed up’ to draw), found a geocache, and attended the workshop.
I seem to have gotten a few opportunities opened up for me as a result of today; and even though I had inwardly ‘resigned’ from illustration, I fell back into it immediately. I guess I am just fickle…
Recently I have chopping myself up, dividing into little pieces, creating new parts of me when I needed them. For example; there’s my long-standing companion Horatio, who is a voice of logic and reason (he’s a little stone gargoyle that sits on my shoulder), and then there’s the newly integrated Klaus, he does things I can’t do, he gets things done and doesn’t overthink. Lastly there is Claytooth, he does all my ‘bread art’ for me (just ask).
These aren’t functioning, separate personalities, these are elements of myself that I have given a name and an identity so that I can ‘become them” or take on their mentalities when I’m struggling with different things.
Today I started off as Claytooth; and switched over to Klaus to be able to make it to the workshop without too much stress or anxiety.
I did (of course) come crashing down after my monumental high this evening. My family came to pick me up, yet no one seemed interested in finding out what I’d been up to, or how great I was feeling. It’s like I wanted them to ask, or already know, that I was riding this wave of giddy joy, and that they should be as interested in my news as I was.
This seems to be one of my major problems. Dealing with feelings of inadequacy, or invalidation, or unwanted-ness. Especially since my mind seems to make most of it up… The reactions and feelings are sure as heck very real though.
I always seem to end the day disappointed and low. Hopefully I can work to keep the good mood around for longer; and not let imagined problems get the better of me (a kid can dream, right?!)