Tracking 24 hours with BPD – See the key below:
00:01 – Many people ‘like’ the artwork I’ve uploaded. I feel good. I feel purposeful
03:17 – Caffeine fuelled neutrality. Getting the shakes, but achieving stuff at the same time. Progress is slow but I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere
04:56 – I can feel my mood creeping lower. Suicidal thoughts have been plaguing me more and more recently. I’m terrified of going to sleep. I scared of the quiet, of being alone with my thoughts
05:45 – I guess I should sleep soon, but I can’t stop thinking about the disintegration of my past relationships and how everything was my fault
07:10 – 13:05 SLEEP: woke up six times and struggled to get back to sleep
13:10 – I am nothing. I feel nothing. I am an empty shell. I am just ghosting; soon I’ll disappear. I can’t shower, I can’t get up, I’m going to lie here forever.
14:05 – I went for a smoke and to make coffee. My dad didn’t acknowledge me when I came into the room. Now I’m crying. How did that happen? Why am I crying? Why do I feel so shit? I can’t make sense of anything
14:10 – I am filled with self-hatred. I was so honest in my relationship from the very beginning, I gave her a chance to walk away from the beginning. I trusted her and she left. Everyone always leaves. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve to live. I can’t stop thinking about suicide
15:45 – I really like this song! I’m dancing around the room, I feel good! I’m going to get so much artwork done today!
15:55 – I am so empty. My work is rubbish. I will never amount to anything. Why do I try? My heart hurts. I need a haircut
16:32 – People are liking my posts on Twitter and I have 132 followers now! This is awesome! Plus my artwork is coming along really well
16:33 – False alarm, I wasn’t happy at all, I was just trying to convince myself I felt something good. I wish my artwork was better. Why am I so shit at everything?
17:56 – I’m crying again. Great. I have no one to talk to. I’m so alone. No one will help me. I feel like screaming, “HELP ME!” from my window, or maybe just jumping from the roof
18:24 – Dinner. Why aren’t my parents talking to me? Why is my family so dysfunctional? Why don’t they notice me? Do they hate me? Am I invisible? Am I dead already? Oh wait, they’re talking to me now, it’s okay
18:47 – Having a good talk with my brother and Dad. Laughing and joking
19:01 – My Dad asked me a question and I couldn’t think of an answer and I feel so stupid and disgusting. I’m worthless. I can’t even think properly. I can’t say anything. I can’t move or I’ll cry. They left and now I’m crying
22:30 – Back in my room, finished the piece I was working on. So now I’m writing this blog post. Feeling nothing; no joy, no sadness, no nothing. Not a single thing
23:05 – I’m just sitting on my bed and doing nothing. I am a fake, why am I still here? I don’t deserve happiness. My head is so loud. It’s screaming at me. I can’t take it. I don’t know what to do. I’m so alone. I don’t want help. I don’t need help. I need help. I’m so alone
00:01 – Time to wrap up the 24 hours blog post. Why did I bother? No one is going to read it. I’m sad and pathetic. I give up. No I don’t. I don’t want to. I should post it. I don’t want to post it. I need a smoke
If you want to read more from me about tracking moods, go here