24 Hours with BPD

Tracking 24 hours with BPD – See the key below:

code

green

00:01 – Many people ‘like’ the artwork I’ve uploaded. I feel good. I feel purposeful

 

blue

03:17 – Caffeine fuelled neutrality. Getting the shakes, but achieving stuff at the same time. Progress is slow but I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere

 
purple04:56 – I can feel my mood creeping lower. Suicidal thoughts have been plaguing me more and more recently. I’m terrified of going to sleep. I scared of the quiet, of being alone with my thoughts

purple05:45 – I guess I should sleep soon, but I can’t stop thinking about the disintegration of my past relationships and how everything was my fault  

07:10 – 13:05  SLEEP: woke up six times and struggled to get back to sleep

blue13:10 – I am nothing. I feel nothing. I am an empty shell. I am just ghosting; soon I’ll disappear. I can’t shower, I can’t get up, I’m going to lie here forever.

red

14:05 – I went for a smoke and to make coffee. My dad didn’t acknowledge me when I came into the room. Now I’m crying. How did that happen? Why am I crying? Why do I feel so shit? I can’t make sense of anything

red14:10 – I am filled with self-hatred. I was so honest in my relationship from the very beginning, I gave her a chance to walk away from the beginning. I trusted her and she left. Everyone always leaves. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve to live. I can’t stop thinking about suicide

green15:45 – I really like this song! I’m dancing around the room, I feel good! I’m going to get so much artwork done today!

purple15:55 – I am so empty. My work is rubbish. I will never amount to anything. Why do I try? My heart hurts. I need a haircut

yellow

16:32 – People are liking my posts on Twitter and I have 132 followers now! This is awesome! Plus my artwork is coming along really well

purple 16:33 – False alarm, I wasn’t happy at all, I was just trying to convince myself I felt something good. I wish my artwork was better. Why am I so shit at everything?

red17:56 – I’m crying again. Great. I have no one to talk to. I’m so alone. No one will help me. I feel like screaming, “HELP ME!” from my window, or maybe just jumping from the roof

purple18:24 – 
Dinner. Why aren’t my parents talking to me? Why is my family so dysfunctional? Why don’t they notice me? Do they hate me? Am I invisible? Am I dead already? Oh wait, they’re talking to me now, it’s okay

green18:47 – Having a good talk with my brother and Dad. Laughing and joking

 

red19:01 – My Dad asked me a question and I couldn’t think of an answer and I feel so stupid and disgusting. I’m worthless. I can’t even think properly. I can’t say anything. I can’t move or I’ll cry. They left and now I’m crying

blue22:30 – Back in my room, finished the piece I was working on. So now I’m writing this blog post. Feeling nothing; no joy, no sadness, no nothing. Not a single thing

purple23:05 – I’m just sitting on my bed and doing nothing. I am a fake, why am I still here? I don’t deserve happiness. My head is so loud. It’s screaming at me. I can’t take it. I don’t know what to do. I’m so alone. I don’t want help. I don’t need help. I need help. I’m so alone

blue00:01 – Time to wrap up the 24 hours blog post. Why did I bother? No one is going to read it. I’m sad and pathetic. I give up. No I don’t. I don’t want to. I should post it. I don’t want to post it. I need a smoke

 

If you want to read more from me about tracking moods, go here

 

 

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12 responses to “24 Hours with BPD

  1. Fascinating post, and obviously harrowing. People often wonder if artists fear criticism but when people realise you live with your biggest critic 24 hours a day, other people don’t seem so scary. I know the illness won’t care too much, but I really enjoy your blog, your art and I am one of your 127 twitter followers. Keep it up, and if you ever need reassurance – I am always here!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading, it was really difficult to track with any sort of coherency as I’m very out of tune with my feelings and thoughts. And yes, that’s exactly right about the artist’s biggest critic, I’m sure you must feel the same sometimes!

      You don’t know how much that means to me MindFump, a very sweet thing to say and you’ve put a smile on my face, thank you for your support, I’d like to be there for you too if you ever need me!

      Liked by 1 person

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