Living life with BPD is a paradox; a jumbled mess of conflicting thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
The reality presents itself as a swarm of instability in all areas of your personal life, relationships, and work.
It can be as simple as changing your personality to suit the environment/people you are with (the chameleon effect), or it can cause huge concerns with constantly shifting life goals, ideals, jobs or partners.
One thing I have come to realise is that no matter how confusing and tangled and different the changes in my personality or life attitudes are, there is one constant.
The one thing that remains stable is that it is consistently inconsistent.
What I mean by this is that the fact that I have instability in all areas, is a consistent ‘feature’ of my life. So, I guess in a way, that’s one thing I’ve got going for me.
My life may be all over the place but at least it’s always all over the place.
Not the most comforting idea, but it’ll do.
One thing I’ve found that can help is writing, or charting (almost obsessively in my case) my emotions in a journal or using a mood-tracker app. I’ve found no correlation, nor any apparent patterns, but the act of graphing my changes in mood is very useful.
- It serves as a ‘digital memory bank’ – when we so often forget the intensities of our ‘highs’ when we are in a low state, and believe that we have never felt happiness before, it is a reminder that okay, actually I did feel good before, so I know I can again.
- I can also use this to relay mood changes to GPs, psychiatrists etc. As I struggle with memory issues (too frequent dissociation) and anxiety when talking about myself in front of others, I have a written record of how I’ve been doing lately.
It’s exhausting never feeling solid, or constantly putting up fronts and masks to prove to yourself or others that you have substance, that you’re not the empty shell that you feel like day in, day out.
But you do have a something consistent, and that is your unwavering inconsistency!
It’s the small things…