BPD & The Extreme Push/Pull of Motivation

Does anyone else experience this? I’d appreciate some input

You have so many ideas, you have so many things you want to get done. You are jumping from project to project, sentence to sentence, and you can’t keep up. You are simultaneously on top of the world and teetering on the edge of a crash-and-burn episode.

Your mind is racing, you are struggling to pin anything down, you have too much going on in your head, too much that you want to do and achieve. You have so many great ideas, so many things to complete and to get done!

You love everyone and everyone loves you. You are radiant, elated; a shining beacon of wonder. Things are going right. Everything is alright. You feel like you can’t breathe because you’re so excited, you’ve got to tell everyone all of your plans immediately, to share this good feeling, to share how great you feel.

Everything seems great until you realise that the treadmill you were jogging on has been speeding up without you noticing. Now you’re sprinting and it’s too fast for you to keep up with. You can’t see anything anymore because everything around you is a blur. You’ve lost touch with the world, you’ve got too much in your head.

You know you’ve got to come down sometime. You know you will never keep up with this. Fear and dread are creeping in.

You don’t want it to end, you try to drag out the high, ignoring the warning signs that your foot keeps slipping off of the end of the treadmill, ignoring the hiccups and the fact that you can’t breathe properly anymore, ignoring the sweat running down your back and that you keep tripping up.

Then it happens. You trip one too many times. You find yourself hurled violently at the wall behind the treadmill. Your high has come to an end and you lie there broken beyond repair; trying to catch your breath and staring in disbelief at the multiple unfinished projects.

You can’t bring yourself to get up anymore. You can’t bring yourself to finish what you started as the seemingly insurmountable failures have stacked up in the corner and the treadmill is hissing and steaming at you. You can’t see why you even started in the beginning, you can’t remember anything about your feelings of elation. The emotional memory is wiped. You are left with the pain and hurt and weight of your emptiness.

But after a while, eventually the urge to get back up will jump at you, seemingly coming out of nowhere. It forces you up and fills you so completely with its radiance that you can’t believe you’ve never felt this good before!

You have, you just couldn’t remember it because the blackness was all-encompassing, and now it is back it’s as if you were never in the hole.

 

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