After seeing another blogger post their MoodTrack graph, I felt compelled to see if I could draw any conclusions from my own.
I downloaded this app on the 5th December – shortly after moving back in with my parents after my ex broke up with me. I was in a deep state of crisis, unemployed and unable to keep myself safe.
At first there appears to be no correlation between these two time periods; but you can also see that I tend to have the happiest moments at the beginning of the month. On the 6th Dec we can already see a tell-tale spike from red ‘the absolute worst’ to yellow ‘the absolute best’ in a matter of hours.
I use the blue ‘the middle’ to document whenever I feel no emotions. No sadness, no happiness, just a hollow emptiness. It is my ‘baseline level – nothingy’ emotion.
At the beginning of December I had many plans with friends and things to look forward to lined up. However during the decline from the 7th Dec until 14th, I had no plans and nothing to keep me occupied. I wavered here between a depressed hopelessness and a suicidal, pervasive dissociation.
We can see another spike from red to yellow on the 14th (a stranger sent me a nice comment on this app which sent me rocketing from the lowest depths of depression to the highest highs of elation).
Throughout December I struggled with anxiety about moving back home and become a sort of recluse. I barely slept and barely ate anything, taking medication to combat the anxiety and to try to make me sleep.
I was at my worst during the end of the month due to a past trigger surfacing. This time last year was when my ex-partner and I first got together and the feelings surrounding this time were overwhelming in their intensity. I was self-harming every day, dissociating, raging at myself and even made plans to end my life.
(The end of December is cut off because I didn’t post anything throughout the Christmas/New Year period)
January begins with another spike from red to yellow (cut off to fit) because I impulsively booked a solo-trip to Bulgaria to try and give myself something to look forward to.
I’d met up with friends and done things with my days but nothing was enough to drag me out of the pit I was in and going travelling seemed like a huge enough thing to take my mind off of the pain I was feeling.
It worked! Aside from a small breakdown on one day, I flitted through purple and green as I was so unused to actually feeling good that I wasn’t sure whether I actually was, or if it was just false.
Despite some feelings of numbness I was determined to stay on the high and overcome any bad feelings I had. The fact that there is no red between the 7th and 12th is my pig-headed refusal to acknowledge any drops in mood.
I did not update this app whilst out in Bulgaria, which is the long gap between the 12th and 18th Jan, where I was brought grinding back into another period of depression. I have barely filled anything out during the back end of January, as I was too empty to even write anything.
I had self-harming urges around the same time of the month that I was feeling at my worst (and most vocal) in December. But a simple email brought me shooting right back up to the top of the world. I then proceeded to have a stupendously amazing day, but by the end of it I was still feeling like a ghost.
Which brings us up to speed with now. Though I have been working like a dog and actually achieved quite a few things this last week I can still notice that unless there is something to trigger a yellow or red then I seem to be stuck feeling nothingy.
Red appears to be triggered by thoughts surrounding myself, such as self-hatred and a surplus of anger at my past. It means I’m looking back into the past.
Purple is mostly feelings of melancholy or sadness, which I don’t feel are as extreme as the anger or hurt of red.
Blue is my baseline level : nothingy. The hollow shell of non-being and non feeling.
Green is mostly feelings of productiveness, where I feel I should be feeling good.
Yellow is the high, brimming with elation and overflowing with ideas and goodness.
I know that both Android and Apple have different variations of mood tracking apps that are free to use. I really recommend downloading one and giving it a go if writing things down and having a physical log seems like something that might help you!