For the past five hours I have been struggling to ascertain exactly what is wrong and what is to come. I’ve been deliberately ignoring the frantic scrabbling behind the door to my mind.
It’s as if there is a dog whining and scratching at this door and I don’t know what he wants because he can’t communicate with me in a way I will understand. I let him in and he paces back and forth in front of me, grizzling constantly, and glancing up at me every so often with a look of terror.
I have to slowly work through the various things with him. Has he eaten? Has he had enough to drink? Does he need to go out? Is he hurt? Is there a meteor heading straight for my bedroom that I am unaware of?
It’s exhausting not knowing what is going on with yourself, and using trial and error to try and fix the unknown problem. I have been flitting around my room, agitated and confused. I don’t know what is wrong, and I don’t know how to find out. I cannot concentrate on my work; I’m shifting from thing to thing without thinking, and I’ve been twitching involuntarily and picking at my skin.
It is like a feeling of desperation, or anticipation for an inevitable air raid, or I don’t really know. It’s like knowing something needs to happen, or something is going to happen, but you don’t know what it is. I feel like someone is slowly tearing me to shreds.
Right now, I feel ‘electric’. This is my favourite word, as it describes this feeling of desperation/agitation/fear/terror/dread all in one. Imagine an electric fence, or a pylon, and you can actually see the air humming with the electricity. You can see it jumping and coursing through the wire, powerful and uncontrollable. You can see it building up and bouncing from wall to wall, supercharged electricity zapping everything in its path.
Maybe when I’m more in-tune with my mind and had some more years of experience under my belt that this feeling will stop being so terrifying and I’ll actually be able to pinpoint a specific trigger or feeling.
Until then, I have some tools and coping methods and I guess I just have to work through each one in turn until something helps.