I forget everything. It’s not just a simple ‘Oh I forgot to buy milk’ kind of thing.
It’s an ‘I forgot whole chunks of my life because there are negative emotions attached to them’ kind of deal.
I barely remember anything earlier than age 15-16, and I have no chronological timeline in my head. Things are grouped into emotions I felt at the time, all the bad feelings throughout my life in one box, all the good feelings in another box, and all the emptiness paradoxically in another box.
This is a faulty coping mechanism used instead of a healthy way of dealing with emotional struggles and it makes everything so much harder.
For example, I can’t remember much from my previous relationships, and I couldn’t remember even when I was in them. I would forget the breakdown that I had hours or days before. I would forget the argument that had just happened, and in my mind everything was fine and I couldn’t even fathom why my partner was upset.
I would forget that I’d just self-harmed, or that I had just tried to break-up with a partner, or that I had just spent the last half hour cowering in fear because I believed (falsely) that my partner was going to hurt me.
This was especially hard on my partners who, of course, could remember every horrible detail and every ordeal. It also makes it hard to think back on these times and to work through the problems or talk them through with someone else.
In my mind things were either heaven-esque perfect, or they were the worst possible torture you could imagine.
It makes recalling things difficult when there is just a huge black question mark hovering over 9 months of your life, or there’s just an empty void stretching out for a few years.
Now all I have is a cloud of confusion and unknowing, because I don’t feel like I can trust my accounts of what has happened. My mind has warped everything into what I believe it should be, and anything it can’t warp, it simply forgets.